Our Authors
Wurd Merdurer Press & Beamish Boy Productions
Patricia Marie Krentcil
Author of The Color Tan
Patricia Marie is a mother of five beautiful children. She is known around the world today as a tanning superstar extraordinaire, an ex-model, a music icon, a fashionista, a reality TV star, a Wack Packer, and at times a gigantic trainwreck. She is a rabid tanning bed enthusiast when she is not sunbathing, applying bronzer, drinking a wine or three, smoking a big fat blunt, fighting in celebrity boxing matches, or running for Offices she will never hold. In her spare time, Patricia enjoys boating, skiing, and many other things we are not legally allowed to mention on the Internet.
Ryan DeGrendel
Author of Simulant City
Ryan DeGrendel is a screenplay writer, ghostwriter, novelist, poet, playwright, teleplay writer, and songwriter. When he is not writing, he is typically writing. He is a married father with two amazing children with whom he is willing to part for a nominal fee. One is super good at math and the other is really funny. Both get straight-As in school, are artists, and are extremely well behaved. (Please email for more information on their purchase.) Ryan graduated summa cum laude from The Pennsylvania State University with a Bachelor of Science in Security and Risk Analysis: Information and Cyber Security, along with a minor in Information Sciences and Technology, and a focus in Political Science. And if you're thinking, "What does any of that have to do with writing?!" Guess what... So is he. Ryan also played Division I college hockey at The Ohio State University before suffering a career-ending injury, but he probably deserved it because he was not a very nice player.
Gabbert C. Marquard
Author of Die With Me
Gabbert is an exceptional poet who enjoys pushing the boundaries of his craft. One time, he finished an entire six-pound ham sandwich at a bar, just to win a five-dollar bet and then he wrote a poem about it. After entering that poem surreptitiously in a competition under a nom de plume, he then lost the poem and forgot what fake name he was using, so he never got to claim credit for the poem. He was so drunk he may have lost that poem, but he wrote many, many other poems just to prove it wasn't a fluke. He may not appear as if he could eat a six-pound ham sandwich in one sitting, but he totally did. And he's a brilliant poet.
Niemand Besonderes
Author of The Last Profit
No one knows anything about Niemand Besonderes, other than what has been transcribed in his book, The Last Profit, transcribed by S.L. Burrows.
Joseph P. Kerr
Transcriber of The Color Tan
Joseph P. Kerr is an avid indoorsman. With an extreme allergy for rocks and asphalt, Mr. Kerr has been unable to leave his home for decades. Joseph is a big fan of shaving his neighbor's dog and collecting other people's toenails when he is fortunate enough to be able to have someone carry him to their car and take him places where there are no rocks or pavement. In his spare time, Joseph enjoys mowing his carpet, watering his linoleum, and eating lead paint chips. Since no one will ever read this, he doesn't really give a shit what it says.
S.L. Burrows
Transcriber of The Last Profit
S.L Burrows is a rowdy individual who may or may not have some felonies on his record. When he's not drinking tequila...oh, well, let's face it, he's always drinking tequila. But when he's not totally hammered, he's actually quite the gifted writer. He doesn't have an address, per se, but rather enjoys hanging out in train stations for most of the day. Hey, that rhymed! S.L. is just a chill cat unless you insult his momma. Then he's ready to knife fight with his switchblade at the drop of a hat.
Figaroa M. Newton
Transcriber of The Tan Chicken & The Fox
Our CEO met Figaroa when she accidentally walked into the wrong restroom at Chilis. He was all, "Hey, don't you know this is the men's room?" And she was like, "Don't fuck with me, you cuck!" and pulled a shiv. After the two had some Margarita Blasters together and shared some laughs, G. Alex hired her on the spot. Come to find out, when Figaroa was just a young girl growing up in the West Virginia mountains, an avalanche wiped out her entire village and trapped her in her cabin for weeks. She had to eat her dead neighbor's toes to survive. Can you even imagine that?! Believe me when I say, you don't want to mess with someone who has eaten human toes. She'll straight-up lay you down for a permanent dirt nap if you get lippy.